Hello there internet! Today I want to talk about something that kind of annoys the hair off my head and frustrates the skin off my bones. It is what I shove blame at for bothering the very teeth off my gums – slandering, minty toothpaste! *drum-roll*
Every time I see those pristine, glistening, white as milk teeth in toothpaste ads, my bones just begin rattling with excitement. Mr. Cranium glams up in a hula skirt and coconut-shell bikini, deciding to ditch me for a beach vacation. Anticipating a spontaneous cure for my Grinch-like teeth, I finally use the God-forsaken toothpaste and…nothing happens. *cricket chirp* -_-
Honestly, such fibbing lunatics! One of these days these toothpaste manufacturers are going wake up with their butt-cheeks on fire. Mark my words.
Toothpaste marketing insinuates that toothpastes are capable of just magically strengthening our teeth and gums. It is implied that toothpastes are so miraculous that any risk of teeth falling out is completely eliminated. This gets me seriously wondering if toothpastes are actually some phenomenal cement and carpet glue concoction…
Oh, and every time you brush only 99.9% of your germs will get their bags packing, so allow this knowledge to prepare those OCDs to act up. Toothpastes, hand sanitizers, toilet cleaners and Voldemort (Harry = the resistant trait) – they just won’t ever stop contributing to the never ending pile of incompetence in our planet, now will they?
In addition to this, I have observed that every toothpaste brand that ever existed is “recommended by dentists worldwide”. Toothpastes’ awesomeness has apparently lured dentists into a miserable state of joblessness, which is why the only way to bid their time away is through randomly promoting toothpaste. Or it could be that toothpaste has messed with their brain’s circuitry leading to this nonsense.
My toothpaste says, “Clinically proven whiter teeth after just one brush”. Staring at the massive, orange bricks lined inside my face I ask myself, “I don’t believe it! My teeth is spiffing gorgeous-ness! Did somebody glue actual pearls into my mouth last night when I was asleep? -.-” Now seriously, did you do it? We really need to put an end to this Edward Cullen-esque stalk-me-as-I-slumber kind of obsession. Not nice at all. Tsk tsk.
Erm…what am I talking about?
P.S. I think Voldemort is as sweet as a cute, little, fluffy bunny. :3 :3 Is that supposed to be a problem? I told my friends this and they kind of just ran off to their mommies, screeching like a bunch of pathetic sissies. I’m not a weirdo at all, promise.